Today’s post is borrowed from my other website (The Ladygarden Project).

I’m on  a crusade to transform our relationships with our libidos! (And – unrelated – look how much my hair has grown…)

Please leave a comment to share your thoughts and experiences of sex drive and sexual desire…

It’s no secret that I’m a big fan of Nikki and Heather’s amazing blog Vagina Antics.

They write witty, informed, embedded-in-reality posts about their sexual explorations, their relationships, and what it means to be a sexual woman, today, in the Western world.

Their honesty and frankness are refreshing in a time when we are fed so many false images and messages about women, bodies, and sex.

Heather recently wrote about her feelings of seeing her flesh bulge while she was taking part in a rope bondage scene. Alongside her fascination (and pleasure) she had to tussle with her negative feelings at having a body that bulged. As she noted: all bodies – thick or thin – have bulges when tied with rope. Nonetheless, she still had to come to terms with her body bulging.

As part of their ongoing mission to help inform and entertain, Nikki and Heather have recently launched their “Heart your Favorite Part” positive body image project. They invite readers to send in photos of their favourite body parts to feature on their “Wall of Hearts” gallery.

I was invited to submit two photos.

It was an interesting experience! What was my favourite body part – and why?

My own body confidence has been (and will continue to be) a journey from comparing my body negatively to other bodies, to appreciating the uniqueness of the changing body I live in.

Maybe I’m lucky that my body has never looked like the “ideal” bodies we are shown by the media. I’ve always been fat (give or take 40lbs – because that’s what happens when a person yo-yo diets). I’ve always had stretch marks and scars (both arrived during puberty). And I’ve always had wonky teeth.

Once I got past the initial jitters of sharing my body intimately with another person, and discovered all the pleasures that came with giving myself permission to be sexual with the body I had, I realised that – actually – my body is alright.

It’s not perfect (and, to be honest, I don’t think I would want a perfect body) – but it’s alright.

So, when choosing my parts to heart for Vagina Antics’ Wall, I decided to focus on parts that – conventionally – don’t meet up to the standards ‘society’ tries to demand of a woman. Of course there are many parts that would fit into that category but I opted for two of the most obvious ones: my belly and my boobs.

You can read my contribution to the Heart Your Favorite Part project and see my pictures here.

I’ve previously written about my legs too (you can read ‘My Beautiful Legs’ here).

Like Nikki and Heather, I want to encourage other women (and men) to feel good about their bodies. To paraphrase Amy Bloom: we are all imperfectly flawed and we are all beautiful.

Want to join in the fun? Click here to find out more about the “Heart Your Favorite Part” project and how you can submit your own photos.

Or leave a comment below to share your own body image stories.

Not all bodies are the same.

There, I’ve said it. Something we all know and yet – if we believed the narrow range of representations in the media – something that sometimes can be hard to believe.

Personally, I love the diversity of bodies!

So I’m especially excited to come across this wonderful collection of beautiful bodies as part of the Nu Project.

The Nu Project features photos of nude women: no professional models, minimal makeup and no glamour.

“The focus of the project has been and continues to be the subjects and their personalities, spaces, insecurities and quirks.”

There are several galleries you can browse through online – each showing the beauty of women’s bodies in a whole range of shapes and sizes.

There could be even more diversity in the photo collections and that is something that Matt of the Nu Project is working on: he has an open invitation to women to participate. I’ve signed up and I’m hoping that he and his team will get to the UK at some point. I know my body is nothing like the ‘model standard’ but I also know that that’s not unusual!

I recently had the privilege of talking to women, aged 40 to 60, for an article about sex and ageing.

I turn 40 this year and, as I’m sure many women do, I’ve recently started to think more about what’s happening to my body as I get older.

There are the visible signs – like the streak of grey that now highlights my hair, the permanent lines at the corners of my eyes, and the subtle (but increasingly noticeable) change to the texture of the skin on the backs of my hands.

There are also less visible signs – a late night takes me at least two days to recover from, and more than one glass of wine has the same effect!

The women I spoke to shared intimate details of their sex lives and their attitudes and beliefs about their sexuality. I was incredibly humbled to receive their stories and to witness their willingness to share these with other women – to help prepare them for what might come, and also to give them hope about their sexual future.

I listened to the women tell me about their sex lives taking a back seat as work, family, and other responsibilities took higher priority. They spoke to me about the impact of the menopause on their libidos; their body’s rejection of their lover’s touch – as the lightest of body contact triggered nauseating hot flushes; and the hope that their sex lives could pick up again after the menopause – whenever that might finally come.

I began to believe that the next 15 years wouldn’t hold too much for me to look forward to sexually.

But then I heard more women’s stories.

These women told me about an increase in their body confidence as they got older. There was a sense of making the most of and enjoying the body you have now and of being able to ask for the kind of sex (and be the sexual woman) you want.

“In my 20s I’d try to have sex with my stomach held in! None of my body neuroses get in the way anymore so I can enjoy myself more. Sex isn’t a performance now.”

“I was very conscious of my body in my 20s but your experience of your body changes. I’m more liberated now.”

“My sex drive is as high as it was in my 20s. Now I’m more confident and adventurous, I was more inhibited when I was younger.”

Do we have to wait until we pass 40 to start feeling better about our bodies?

No.

We live in a complex culture where women’s sexuality is concerned.

On the one hand, a woman’s appearance is used as currency: her worth is judged by how she looks and her looks are commodified to sell, sell, sell.

Young women that is.

On the other hand, as we get older, a cloak of invisibility is gradually meant to wrap us up until we are seen as ‘woman’ but without any obvious sexuality.

Add in a body type that doesn’t fit the media’s narrow standards, or illness and disability that impacts further on our body’s appearance and, well, the invisibility cloak takes full effect.

I refuse to buy into this.

Bodies come in different shapes, sizes, numbers of limbs, ages, colours, abilities…

Bodies change over lifetimes. Bodies change by the day.

So why wait to enjoy the body you have?

I encourage you, whatever your age, whatever your current beliefs about your body and your sexuality, to find at least one thing to celebrate about your body today.

Claim your confidence now because body confidence – including sexy body confidence – is your choice. And it’s a daily choice. What do you choose today?

Want to read more about choosing body confidence? Click here

Want some easy ways to increase your confidence? Sign up below to get the FREE email series: 7 Secrets to feeling sexy at any size

I love Laci Green!

Last weekend I was part of a fab teleclass hosted by Jenny of F*ck the Diets. We were talking about body image and clothes and, in her words, being able to walk down the street thinking “darn it girl, you’re one sexy mofo!”

In amongst all this I confessed to owning a dress that – conventionally – I shouldn’t wear. It’s a dress that stops above the knee with a wide, voluminous skirt. And it’s a very bright shade of orange.

If I listened to all the “how to flatter your shape” messages I wouldn’t wear the dress.

My legs are too chunky. My bum is too big. The colour is too eye-catching.

But I LOVE THIS DRESS!

I love the swinging skirt. I love the lace detail. I love the colour. And I especially love the way I feel in this dress (fun, quirky, cool, roller derby skater girl!).

Which got me thinking:

Sometimes what we need most in order to be able to to appreciate our own, sexy selves, is to be bold.

To be bold and to have the courage to live our lives fully – not shying away from being seen, not putting off what makes us happy, and not basing our choices on what other people might think.

Jenny asked for a picture of the dress, so here it is:

And while I was at it, I pulled out another favourite dress: a lovely, sheer, stretchy, clingy, sparkly, vintage dress that I’d happily wear to any red carpet event (- yes, I am accepting invitations…)

Make today YOUR day to walk down the street thinking

“darn it girl, I’m one sexy mofo.”

BE BOLD

BE YOU

Are you a skater girl or a red carpet vixen? What clothes do you enjoy wearing and feel sexy in? Please share in the comments below!

Book recommendation

Just in time for Valentine’s Day – but equally helpful all year round…

BIG BIG LOVE: A Sex and Relationships Guide for People of Size (and Those Who Love Them) by Hanne Blank

I love this book! It is wonderfully uplifting, affirming, sexy, and informative. It contains everything from pictures of innovative sex positions to accommodate bellies and thighs, to great quotes from people who love their bodies.

Here’s the book blurb:

Big Big Love is the only one-stop-shopping handbook on relationships, sexuality, and big sexy confidence for people of all genders, sizes, and sexual orientations who know that a fantastic love life doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with the number on the bathroom scale. Covering everything from dating to sex toys to getting on top, this guide also features tips on navigating tricky topics like making peace with your belly, coping with weight-related prejudice, and creating a happy, satisfying sex life in a culture where no body is ever perfect enough.

This freshly illustrated update of the 2000 cult classic features new interviews with body-acceptance activists, health coaches, psychologists, and more, plus hundreds of quotes from fat folks and those who love them selected from a survey conducted exclusively for the book. From taking your clothes off to BDSM to fat admiration to tips for successful long-term relationships, Big Big Love’s savvy, sane advice can help you tackle every hot-button issue you may confront in the bedroom and in love.

 

HAPPY VALENTINE’S!

Earlier this week, as I was making a cup of tea, my partner came up to me and reached to give me a hug. As she did it, she lifted my jumper a little to make contact with my skin. I leapt away from her calling out “it tickles!”

“I’m not trying to tickle you,” she reassured.

“I know,” I said, “but it tickles.”

She hugged me over my jumper, and then I finished making my cup of tea.

While I was drinking my tea I had a realisation: the reason her touch had tickled me was because my skin felt unused to being touched. It’s the middle of winter here (-1˚C as I type) and I go from wearing several layers in the daytime, to pyjamas and covers at night-time.

Even when we’ve had sex in the last few months, there have been clothes and covers involved.

I’m not used to being touched directly: skin on skin.

It’s completely different in the summer. In the summer there is always skin available to be touched and I am more than happy to strip off in bed and be fully exposed to my lover’s touch. It never tickles in the summer because my body is used to being touched.

So imagine how it would be if I never let my body be fully touched? Imagine how it would be if, for 12 months of the year, certain parts of my body were ‘off limits’ to my partner’s touch. Imagine if I said “don’t touch my stomach” or “don’t touch my thighs”. Those parts of me would forget what it’s like to be touched. And if they were touched, it would probably feel more uncomfortable than just a tickle.

How sad that parts of me wouldn’t be able to enjoy the touch of someone who loved me.

My whole body deserves to receive a loving touch.

I can’t magic the winter away but I can take steps to make sure my body is not neglected.

I can:

• Take a bath and enjoy touching myself in the warmth of the water.
• Take a shower with my partner and get the room, and us, hot and steamy.
• Go for a massage and enjoy the warm, non-sexual touch of the massage therapist.
• Wait until I’m feeling cosy in bed then bravely slip off my pyjamas for a ‘naked cuddle’ with my partner or some ‘quality time’ with myself.

Is your body being neglected of touch?

If it is, what can you do to give your body the loving touch it deserves?

Surrounded by all the New Year resolutions, invitations to join the diet clubs, leftover chocolates, and long, dark nights, I’m reminded that

I don’t need to re-invent myself

I don’t need to set harsh resolutions

I don’t need to compare myself to anyone else (including my past self)

All I need to do is embrace the warm, sensual, passionate woman who lives and breathes deep within me.

That is all.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Christmas 1979, in dance class, I was told I had to be a backing duck (in a yellow leotard) in The Ugly Duckling and wouldn’t get to perform (in a sparkly tutu) in The Fairy on the Christmas Tree.

I could have carried around the label ‘ugly duckling’ for the rest of my life BUT I’ve chosen to see myself differently:

I AM A SPARKLY FAIRY!

Here’s the proof:

Merry Christmas!

Claim your own magnificent, sparkly, gorgeous, sexiness today!

Sing-a-long chorus:

I’ll sparkle with the tinsel, I’ll twinkle with the lights

Watch over all the presents; Make sure they’re wrapped up tight.

And when the party’s started, I’m as happy as can be

This is my big moment: I’m the fairy on the tree.