I think about and talk about sex a lot (and do it occasionally but would be very happy to do it more!).
When I’m not all sex, sex, sex, I have a job as a health researcher at a university. I’ve been involved in health research for over a decade and I have a fair degree of scepticism about the “results” of mainstream “surveys”.
My wariness is usually to do with how representative the results actually are. We are rarely told anything about who responded to the survey, how they were invited to take part, or what their motivation for answering might have been.
The results of any survey to do with sex usually especially need to be taken with a large pinch of salt. Quite simply, people often answer what they think they should be saying about their sex lives, rather than what is actually the truth. (Which is how we end up with claims that people have sex five times a week when it’s far more likely to actually be once a week if you’re lucky!)
With the above points in mind, I am nevertheless very interested in the results of two recent surveys, both of which looked at women’s responses to questions about sex and body confidence.
The results of both the surveys are pretty similar and quite shocking.
The first was conducted by a pharmaceutical company exploring the development of ‘female viagra’ [1]. The second came from a UK women’s fitness magazine [2].
Here are the top-line findings:
Women avoid sex because of how they feel about their bodies.
42% have skipped sex due to lack of body confidence [2]
29% of women cited feeling that they looked fat as a reason for avoiding sex [1]
23% blamed embarrassment about their ‘wobbly bits’ as a reason for avoiding sex [1]
Women believe sex would be better if they felt better about their bodies.
69% think they would have better sex if they were more body confident [2]
Feeling better about their bodies would increase women’s desire to be intimate.
52% said their lack of confidence in the shape of their bodies made them reluctant to be intimate [1]
72% would have more sex if they were more confident about their body [2]
Wow. If these results are at all representative of women in general this is something that will be affecting a LOT of women (and their potential or actual partners).
So what’s being done about it?
In a recent post by MsVaginaScience called “Fat Sex: what everyone wants to know but is afraid to ask”, she suggests:
You’ll need to overcome the idea that your partner doesn’t know how fat you are.
In other words, your partner (the person who wants to have sex with you), wants to have sex with you. You. All of you, and especially your body. Your body.
When your partner says, “you’re gorgeous,” they are saying it because, to them, you are.
Now, if you are thinking “yes but, what if I know my partner doesn’t like my body the way it is? What if my partner has told me they fancied me more when I was slimmer, or they have already made a critical comment about my body being too fat?”
Then what they are telling you is based on their own insecurities.
Here’s what I’d like you to remember:
You are the only one who can give another person permission to be intimate with you. If that person does not respect and honour the body you offer to them, they are not worthy of your intimacy.
That’s the bottom line.
When I offer my body to my partner, I offer them the body I have today – not the body I had when we first met, not the body they fancy in the porn films, and not the body I once circled in a magazine as the body I wished I’d had.
I offer them My Body and I offer them My Emotions, My Desires, My Hopes, My Intimacy, My Trust.
In order to be worthy of such an offer, they have to honour and respect me. And I will honour and respect them too.
Even if it is a one-night stand with a stranger, even if I am so horny I just can’t wait… If I thought the object of my desire was going to judge me negatively based on my body, they would not get the chance to be intimate with me. I would walk away. Because I know that my body is fine just as it is. Damn fine, in fact. And I know that there will be other people who do appreciate, honour and respect my body – just as I do.
So for all the women who avoid sex because of their ‘wobbly bits’, for all the women who are reluctant to be intimate with the body they have, for all the women who suspect sex would be better if they felt better about their bodies…
START with YOU honouring and respecting your body.
I’d love to know where you are in your journey to feeling sexy at any size. What does it mean to you to ‘honour and respect’ your body? Do you agree that your partner should too?
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